jmonroe (jmonroe) wrote,
jmonroe
jmonroe

Where I Am

After a terrible week, I think I am bouncing back. I was very despondent and thinking of some sad stuff for days last week. It finally seemed to be lifting yesterday. I can always tell when the depressions are upon me, because I have a difficult time getting out of bed and carrying on conversations, and I get very anxious and worried. That's pretty much how I was starting about last Thursday.

I believe that the first and foremost issue has been the job issue. Four doctors have encouraged me to not take on a job and to focus on remaining balanced, relatively stress-free, and out of the hospital. Every time I have worked- and that's been nearly fifty different times- it has always set me off balance. The doctors have all said the same thing: "It has to do with the illness you have." So, I suppose I could start listening to them. My sanity is worth more to me than insanity and lots of money.

I have several friends who feel they know what is best for me, and I don't believe they would want to do me any harm. They believe a job is going to solve all of my problems, but they realy don't know where I am coming from. They haven't walked even one step in my shoes. But they are going to tell me how to fix my life. This is what really had me upset this last week. I feel like they think that I am not good enough unless I am working.

I talked to another friend who I usually see on Fridays. She told me, "Josh, you'd be surprised how many people think a person isn't an alcoholic, for instance, because they hold down a job. Some people measure the goodness of a person by the fact that they hold a job or not." And I really respect her for telling me this. It helped me get back onto the right track.

I have to take care of myself. If I don't, no one will.

-Josh
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